That Crisis Point

I became focused on finding a religious community when I had been struggling for a few years with some serious health problems. My world changed one day when an intense pain shot from my index finger to my shoulder and wouldn’t go away. I waited a week because I couldn’t imagine that there was anything seriously wrong with me. I was only 27. How could there be? But when it didn’t go away I went to a doctor on campus (I had just returned to school full-time to finish my BA). The doctor was concerned that I had carpal tunnel and told me to take two weeks off from my word processing job. That was the beginning of a nightmare. Work told me to go to their doctor to which I innocently complied. From then on it was “officially” a workers comp case and I could no longer use my personal health insurance. I was trapped in a ridiculous process that lasted years and didn’t help me get better. In fact I got worse, because they never let me take that time off of work. Six months later, after teaching myself to use the mouse with my other hand, I had deteriorated to the point that holding even a piece of paper in either hand caused excruciating pain. I couldn’t work or take classes. To top it off, I was in a car accident on the freeway. The neck and back injury just compounded my repetitive strain injuries. The ton of doctors I saw over those first few years never gave me the correct diagnosis. I continued to struggle with the pain after the workers comp doctor declared me “permanent and stationary.” They were done with me even though I actually hadn’t been helped. Permanently disabled in my 20′s? That’s crazy! Because of the pain I became less and less physically active and my health in general deteriorated. I was eventually diagnosed by a rheumatologist as having thoracic outlet syndrome and fibromyalgia. It was a relief to finally get the right diagnosis but a miraculous cure did not immediately follow.

Aside from having lost my life as I knew it, my world had become all about pain and how to reduce or avoid it as much as possible. I dreaded going to sleep because that was one of the times the pain was at its worst. During this time my spiritual seeker side had come out in full force as I tried to make sense of what had happened to me and look for ways to change my perspective. I dreaded meeting people though because I had nothing else to talk about except my disability. I wanted to be more than that. My spiritual search led me to Unitarian Universalism and I sought out a local church to find community. To broaden my life beyond “being disabled.” It took me a couple of years to get involved but it ultimately gave me opportunities to build my identity as an independent person back up.

My healing ended up being a long journey that is still not over. I eventually was able to finish my degree (although I took forever!) and after 10 years was finally able to work full-time again. My healing came through some complementary medicine and a realization that I had to take the lead in healing myself. The doctors were never going to do it for me. One of the greatest resources I found was a support group for people with repetitive strain injuries. That’s where I was introduced to one of the methods that helped me the most: Hellerwork. I also had a good experience with accupuncture and currently swear by my Pilates sessions (private not group). Of course, not being able to work threw me into a financial crisis as well as a health crisis, so I not only struggled to find a way to get well but to also be able to pay for the treatment I needed. Wellness is a constant struggle for me because self-care is not one of my natural instincts. I tend to put myself last. After work. After family. I’m trying to turn that around and model good self-care for the other women in my life. Overall, my health crisis put me on a journey in search of wellness. I have been exploring many approaches to wellness and have discovered a whole new perspective on healing and health.