Lately I have been feeling grateful for how effortless my exercise habits have become. They are purposefully modest ones. My focus has been on making exercise pleasurable and doable. Now it is usually a matter of when, rather than if, I’m going to exercise. I’m especially happy that when I get stressed out my reaction is to want to get outside and go for a walk. I still dream of consistently attending dance classes or doing one of my longer DVD’s, but most days I manage to do the AM workout from 7 Minutes of Magic in addition to my walk.

Although I’m usually looking forward to my walks, I still have days that I struggle with resistance. Yesterday was one of those days. I just did not want to go and an internal conversation ensued. “I don’t want to go.” “Walking is good for you.” “Missing one day is no big deal.” “You know you’ll feel better once you get out there.” “It’s cold.” “Dress warm, besides walking will warm you up.” “I don’t know.” “Just go!” In the end I went because over time, I had developed faith in my walking practice. That I would feel better after I got out there.

I knew I just had to get over the hurdle of walking out the door. I didn’t need to commit to any length of time or other goal. Just out the door. Down the block. And sure enough my mood lifted and my body celebrated an opportunity to move. Having segmented walking routes helps me take longer walks. I only need to plan to do the smaller segment and then usually end up adding additional segments after I realize how good it feels to be out walking. Last night I went out with the freedom to do a short walk but along the way made choices that resulted in a respectable 30-minute walk.

Freedom. Pleasure. Choice. A far cry from the tortured treadmill walking I used to do at a gym. My instinct to stay away from “discipline” focused exercise has been the right thing for me. Instead of thinking of exercise as something I need to force myself to do, I look forward to it. Then on the days that my mood gets in the way of remembering how good it feels, I can have faith that the practice will remind me.

What can ya say when you’ve been off the grid for a good four months! I just couldn’t let my birthday go by without a peep here. Yeah, after all that turning-40 hullabaloo last year, I nearly let 41 go by unmentioned. But really the silence speaks volumes. It’s been a significant year for me all around. I lost patience with the “not quite getting around” to the life I wanted. From August to January, I focused in on losing 30 lbs. I can’t tell you what a blessing it is to be able to walk for an hour without pain. I knew that I was stuck career-wise and until just recently was absolutely miserable despite significant efforts to find the right direction. Months ago, I placed the following poem on my online calendar as inspiration and it is finally sinking in:

I will not die an unlived life,
I will not live in fear
Of falling or catching fire,
I choose to inhabit my days
To allow my living to open me
To make me less afraid,
More accessible,
To loosen my heart
Until it becomes a wing,
A torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance: To live.
So that which comes to me as seed,
Goes to the next as blossom,
And that which comes to me as blossom,
Goes on as fruit.
~ Dawna Markova

I was feeling a little cavalier in the first week of NaBloPoMo. It’s not so tough I thought. Hah. Week two and I’m struggling to keep the pace. It’s the same thing with my walking. The change to colder and darker days has me struggling to keep up the walking that came so easily when the warm, sunny weather beckoned me to come out and enjoy it. I was determined to go for a walk at 4pm today before it got dark. My plan was to walk near work. However, the hours went by and I kept working in my office. I forced myself out for a walk after I got home by telling myself it would be a quick walk and that a small walk was better than no walk. Then I got myself to walk a little farther, taking a longer route. Finally, I realized that adding a little more would make a 20 minute walk which I think of my minimum. I felt much better afterwards of course. It becomes a cycle, up or down, depending on your choices. If I don’t walk, I have less energy and feel less like walking. If I walk, I have more energy and will be more likely to walk tomorrow.

I feel funny saying anything about winter here in Southern California, but it’s been kinda cold and dreary lately. Especially since the time change. I was doing really well on getting out for afternoon walks, but that was when it was still warm and sunny when I got home from work. Now it is overcast in the morning and dark when I get home. Getting out for a little sun and fresh air was part of my motivation for walking. Now I’m trying to get myself into a different frame of mind because I’m not getting as much walking in. Meanwhile on the YOU: Staying Young special, it was suggested to take cod liver oil as a good source of vitamin D. I decided that I would try it since I’m not getting as much sun right now. It’s day two. I had it once on my salad and once mixed with vegetable juice.

So I’m two days from the “dreaded” 40th birthday… (in case it hasn’t been obvious, I’m usually making dramatic statements with a gleam of mischief and sarcasm in my eye)… I generally don’t like to take life so seriously. Sure I have my dark moments with fear and sadness, but it’s not really how I see the world. I have come to understand that its best not to avoid the dark, but it is also not a place to dwell in too long. Finding the humor in life has been my way of keeping centered and making life’s burdens a little lighter. Laughter is one thing that I share in common with both of my parents. I have tended to have an extra capacity for it though. My husband and I share this too. If you can laugh at yourself, it makes communicating so much easier.

Nothing has dramatically changed as I had been envisioning for my entrance into the 40-something crowd. I like change and milestones find me jonesing for it a bit more than usual. I created some grand plans for my appearance and my daily life that were hard to live up to. One side of my brain is working on letting go of expectations and the other side is busy amping them up! No wonder I drive myself crazy… Ah well. I’ve been living with myself for about 40 years now so I really shouldn’t be surprised. The irony is that while one of my goals for my birthday has been achieving a state of “letting go of expectations,” I actually needed to let go of my expectations ABOUT my birthday and not have any birthday goals. Sigh.

So my gift to myself is perhaps to realize that I’m perfect “as is.” No changes needed. Nothing to achieve for my birthday. Let’s see if I can just enjoy being me. Not a new and improved me. Just me.