Lately I have been feeling grateful for how effortless my exercise habits have become. They are purposefully modest ones. My focus has been on making exercise pleasurable and doable. Now it is usually a matter of when, rather than if, I’m going to exercise. I’m especially happy that when I get stressed out my reaction is to want to get outside and go for a walk. I still dream of consistently attending dance classes or doing one of my longer DVD’s, but most days I manage to do the AM workout from 7 Minutes of Magic in addition to my walk.

Although I’m usually looking forward to my walks, I still have days that I struggle with resistance. Yesterday was one of those days. I just did not want to go and an internal conversation ensued. “I don’t want to go.” “Walking is good for you.” “Missing one day is no big deal.” “You know you’ll feel better once you get out there.” “It’s cold.” “Dress warm, besides walking will warm you up.” “I don’t know.” “Just go!” In the end I went because over time, I had developed faith in my walking practice. That I would feel better after I got out there.

I knew I just had to get over the hurdle of walking out the door. I didn’t need to commit to any length of time or other goal. Just out the door. Down the block. And sure enough my mood lifted and my body celebrated an opportunity to move. Having segmented walking routes helps me take longer walks. I only need to plan to do the smaller segment and then usually end up adding additional segments after I realize how good it feels to be out walking. Last night I went out with the freedom to do a short walk but along the way made choices that resulted in a respectable 30-minute walk.

Freedom. Pleasure. Choice. A far cry from the tortured treadmill walking I used to do at a gym. My instinct to stay away from “discipline” focused exercise has been the right thing for me. Instead of thinking of exercise as something I need to force myself to do, I look forward to it. Then on the days that my mood gets in the way of remembering how good it feels, I can have faith that the practice will remind me.

Stumbling through the forest in search of the path to healing, I discovered that the very act of moving my body can be healing. Not just the cumulative effect of regular exercise which is the focus of medical research, but in the very moment that I am moving. I found that my intention and emotion can shape whether movement is healing. I found a big difference between the walks I took that focused on physical intensity and speed and the walks that focused on relaxation and fluidity. It was the latter type that I found the most healing for chronic pain. When I progressed from short 5-15 minute walks to regular 30-60 minute walks, I added dance to my movement repertoire. Our Parks & Recreation program offers bellydance classes that have become a favorite of mine.

Attending the Neuroscience and Spiritual Practice conference at Claremont Theological School yesterday, I was reminded by one of the speakers, Dr. Monica Coleman, of my interest in Gabrielle Roth‘s dance method of spiritual practice. I have some of DVDs and had tried them a few times and kept meaning to get back to them. When I returned from the Spiritual Formation class in August, I actually dug out the DVD set and it had been sitting on my coffee table waiting for me. Inspired by last night’s lecture, I moved past my inertia and put The Wave in my DVD player. I then danced my stiff body around my living room for about 3o minutes. It felt awkward at times, but I know over time I will move past my self-consciousness. Gabrielle Roth even points out that we will feel resistant to some types of movement and to just move through it. I also unearthed Roth’s book which I had been meaning to read, Sweat Your Prayers: Movement as Spiritual Practice. Since becoming a full-time graduate student, I spend a lot of time sitting so I need to balance it with more movement. Perhaps I will create a daily dancing practice. Wouldn’t that be wonderful!

What can ya say when you’ve been off the grid for a good four months! I just couldn’t let my birthday go by without a peep here. Yeah, after all that turning-40 hullabaloo last year, I nearly let 41 go by unmentioned. But really the silence speaks volumes. It’s been a significant year for me all around. I lost patience with the “not quite getting around” to the life I wanted. From August to January, I focused in on losing 30 lbs. I can’t tell you what a blessing it is to be able to walk for an hour without pain. I knew that I was stuck career-wise and until just recently was absolutely miserable despite significant efforts to find the right direction. Months ago, I placed the following poem on my online calendar as inspiration and it is finally sinking in:

I will not die an unlived life,
I will not live in fear
Of falling or catching fire,
I choose to inhabit my days
To allow my living to open me
To make me less afraid,
More accessible,
To loosen my heart
Until it becomes a wing,
A torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance: To live.
So that which comes to me as seed,
Goes to the next as blossom,
And that which comes to me as blossom,
Goes on as fruit.
~ Dawna Markova

The sun was shining today and I came so close to getting out for a nice walk in it. I caught glimpses of it and planned to sneak my walk in various ways between a hectic schedule. However, I managed to not get moving quick enough and missed my opportunity. Instead I had to take the little snippets I got on the go. Then I went for my bare minimum 20 minutes walk in the dark after I got home. There’s clouds and a shower in the forecast for tomorrow, but I see sun on Monday. I guess I’ll make do with my cod liver oil and a dance DVD until then.

Meanwhile, I see that some of my fellow NaBloPoMo bloggers are biting the dust. I’ve made it 10 days so far, 20 to go. Of course, I haven’t been trying to write epic blog posts everyday. That just doesn’t seem realistic!

I was feeling a little cavalier in the first week of NaBloPoMo. It’s not so tough I thought. Hah. Week two and I’m struggling to keep the pace. It’s the same thing with my walking. The change to colder and darker days has me struggling to keep up the walking that came so easily when the warm, sunny weather beckoned me to come out and enjoy it. I was determined to go for a walk at 4pm today before it got dark. My plan was to walk near work. However, the hours went by and I kept working in my office. I forced myself out for a walk after I got home by telling myself it would be a quick walk and that a small walk was better than no walk. Then I got myself to walk a little farther, taking a longer route. Finally, I realized that adding a little more would make a 20 minute walk which I think of my minimum. I felt much better afterwards of course. It becomes a cycle, up or down, depending on your choices. If I don’t walk, I have less energy and feel less like walking. If I walk, I have more energy and will be more likely to walk tomorrow.