Since I’m having trouble posting regularly lately, I realized that I should occasionally share what I’m writing in my online class discussions. We recently discussed mourning as a spiritual process of “letting go” and this was my response:

Much of my concept of “letting go” and grieving comes from the health crisis which ended my life as I knew it. Not only did work and school come to an abrupt halt, but I lost my ability to function on a daily basis becoming dependent on my husband for things you take for granted. (Try to pay attention to how often you use your hands.) I became focused on finding meaning in the crisis in spiritual terms. I saw the losses as deaths, and an overall death of my identity. Everything that comprised my self-concept was gone.

I came to see losses as a natural part of the cycle of life that create space and opportunity for something new to grow. Everything I was became fertile ground for the growth or rebirth of my self. It was not ultimately truly lost, but transformed. Perhaps like the butterfly, we must be willing to let go of ourselves, trusting that is a necessary part of making way for the new life to come. I see life as a process of allowing parts of our lives to die, to make way for the new. I think that if we are stuck holding on to and maintaining what is, we become rigid and closed to the unknown miracles life has to offer. Even in our breathing, we must release the air with our out breath trusting that more will come in the next breath in.

Stumbling through the forest in search of the path to healing, I discovered that the very act of moving my body can be healing. Not just the cumulative effect of regular exercise which is the focus of medical research, but in the very moment that I am moving. I found that my intention and emotion can shape whether movement is healing. I found a big difference between the walks I took that focused on physical intensity and speed and the walks that focused on relaxation and fluidity. It was the latter type that I found the most healing for chronic pain. When I progressed from short 5-15 minute walks to regular 30-60 minute walks, I added dance to my movement repertoire. Our Parks & Recreation program offers bellydance classes that have become a favorite of mine.

Attending the Neuroscience and Spiritual Practice conference at Claremont Theological School yesterday, I was reminded by one of the speakers, Dr. Monica Coleman, of my interest in Gabrielle Roth‘s dance method of spiritual practice. I have some of DVDs and had tried them a few times and kept meaning to get back to them. When I returned from the Spiritual Formation class in August, I actually dug out the DVD set and it had been sitting on my coffee table waiting for me. Inspired by last night’s lecture, I moved past my inertia and put The Wave in my DVD player. I then danced my stiff body around my living room for about 3o minutes. It felt awkward at times, but I know over time I will move past my self-consciousness. Gabrielle Roth even points out that we will feel resistant to some types of movement and to just move through it. I also unearthed Roth’s book which I had been meaning to read, Sweat Your Prayers: Movement as Spiritual Practice. Since becoming a full-time graduate student, I spend a lot of time sitting so I need to balance it with more movement. Perhaps I will create a daily dancing practice. Wouldn’t that be wonderful!

While I’ve been having a lot of good experiences, it’s been a long time since I tried something new. For the past few days, I have participated in a series of Feldenkrais classes. I first learned of the method years ago and had it on my list of things I wanted to explore in relation to my repetitive strain injury. However, the nearest practitioner was some drive from here and private sessions were not in my budget. Because I recently started reading Muscular Retraining for Pain-Free Living, I was searching online for related information. That is when I stumbled on an affordable Feldenkrais series in walking distance from my apartment. How perfect! I wasn’t disappointed either. It’s been a wonderful experience and I’m looking forward to future series being offered. The classes as a whole are a relaxing experience and you leave feeling stretched. As we focused on the individual movements, we watched for unnecessary effort and tensing of our muscles. My intention in taking the classes was to explore the ways that my habitual movements and tendencies to tense up could be contributing to my ongoing chronic pain. I highly recommend giving Feldenkrais (and similar methods such as Alexander Technique) a try and I will report back more about the book as I get further along. The classes were the experiential accompaniment to the book that I was looking for.

What can ya say when you’ve been off the grid for a good four months! I just couldn’t let my birthday go by without a peep here. Yeah, after all that turning-40 hullabaloo last year, I nearly let 41 go by unmentioned. But really the silence speaks volumes. It’s been a significant year for me all around. I lost patience with the “not quite getting around” to the life I wanted. From August to January, I focused in on losing 30 lbs. I can’t tell you what a blessing it is to be able to walk for an hour without pain. I knew that I was stuck career-wise and until just recently was absolutely miserable despite significant efforts to find the right direction. Months ago, I placed the following poem on my online calendar as inspiration and it is finally sinking in:

I will not die an unlived life,
I will not live in fear
Of falling or catching fire,
I choose to inhabit my days
To allow my living to open me
To make me less afraid,
More accessible,
To loosen my heart
Until it becomes a wing,
A torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance: To live.
So that which comes to me as seed,
Goes to the next as blossom,
And that which comes to me as blossom,
Goes on as fruit.
~ Dawna Markova

I’ve always been interested in aspects of psychology, but the study and science of it left something to be desired. One of the things that turned me off was the focus on identifying and labeling disorders. I was happy to discover a relatively recent development, positive psychology, “the scientific study of the strengths and virtues that enable individuals and communities to thrive.” This approach mirrors my interest in focusing on promoting our physical wellness instead of on eradicating illnesses. Knowing the importance of positive emotions on our body to heal, promoting our psychological wellness is an integral part of promoting our physical wellness. Another blogger at Fibromyalgia and Wellness also writes about the role of positive emotions. While it is an important aspect of our self-care, it is not a simplistic solution. From my experience, you need to combine it with exercise, diet and other tools of integrative medicine to achieve wellness.